Mike, you are indeed a brave man, putting your script (Cardinal Sin) out there for all the world to scrutinize. But I know how hard it is to get any kind of feedback so I thought I read the first 15 pages or so and comment.

Keep in mind that I have no credentials at all. So, my opinion is can really be ignored if you don’t like my suggestions.

First of all, I like the concept of some kind of immortal guy. Always good. And the ticking clock with a possible nuclear war works. Altho I’m not sure how the U.S. and Russia get involved but maybe that’s later in the story.

That being said, let me mention some areas of concern. Please note that just because I’ve got a whole laundry list of things doesn’t mean that I didn’t like what I read. I also think that the script Chinatown is full of flaws.

1. It’s not clear that we’re starting off in Italy. Confusing to a domestic audience.

2. I need a reason to like Adam. So far I don’t hate him but there’s no reason for me to care about him.

3. His dialog is too “speachy” (not really a word is it). It sounds like he’s at a political rally, running for office. Make him more human, maybe more cynical and less desperate. And I don’t know where the story goes but if you were immortal wouldn’t you have a different slant on organized religion? Also, Adam tends to get a little “on the nose.” If only there was someone like
me… someone to share my life with
for all time. To end this…
constant loneliness.

4. Shinny (not shiny) on page 2. Typos are inevitable but they’re really noticeable so early on.

5. Too much detail. I know you’re trying to paint a detailed picture but it’s taking away from your story. Just dial it back a bit.

6. Now the dreaded old “show don’t tell.” We start with talking at a funeral, then we talk in a car, and the mob guys talk, and some diplomats talk.

How about this? Since Adam’s wife is killed by the mob, start the story there. Action, explosions, we find out that Adam can’t be killed but he heroically tries to save his wife and feels really bad when he can’t. So now the bad guys are really bad and the good guys are good and we SEE that Adam can’t be killed. Just a thought.

At least Donna had some good action but she trashes a Maserati then shows up in a Ferrari. Too many car bits. And I like sports cars. Maybe have her start doing something else dangerous and don’t have her say “I feel so alive.” Too on the nose again. You’re already showing us that she’s having a good time.

7. It’s not really clear why Adam is so important to world peace. Why not someone else, a politician? Also why is the Vatican involved? Not really ringing true for me. And the meeting there. It kind of took me by surprise. What’s going on? Who? Why?

8. Speaking of why. Why would the mob want to kill Adam? The motivation for the bad guys are usually the most important thing in a script.

Anyway, I hope this helps. I certainly don’t mean for this to be a negative communication. Just trying to help a fellow struggling writer.

Mike Wire

Mike,

Thanks for the detailed comments — much appreciated as I am always working to improve my writing. When I complete my second pass I will post the ‘new and improved’ Cardinal Sin.

Keep Writing!
Mike